Overcoming chronic people pleasing
Are you someone who cannot STAND to be assertive with others, even when you disagree with them? Would you rather lay in front of a train than start a confrontative conversation? Do you shape shift into whoever you’re with to be “accepted” by them? Is it hard to distinguish your feelings from others? Do you require validation from others to feel good about yourself? Is your appearance and how “likable” you are a large part of how you operate around others? Do you deny your needs to accommodate others needs? Do you often feel like a burden when asking for any kind of help or guidance?
If you agree with any of the above, then you might just be a people pleaser! Try not to be hard on yourself if you’re feeling embarrassed about this, I was a chronic people pleaser for 23 years of my life. It was only when I was finally sick and tired enough of feeling tired, numb, and lifeless in my expression that I woke the hell up.
There are various reasons we get to this “waking up” edge as people pleasers… but although some of us find our way to this edge, the majority of people pleasers never even find the front door to walk out on a meaningless and exhausting life.
So, where do you stand? Are you someone who’s ready to open their eyes to their internal world (your thoughts, feelings, ideas, self worth), or are you afraid of losing your reputation, the people you are constantly pleasing and what they’ll think, or learning who you actually are and thus find it impossible to unlearn this habit?
Please, take a deeeep breath. Inhale through the nose nice and slow, hold that breath and the top, and open mouth exhaleeee….
You’re still reading this article. You’re still here on this earth. You are still a living, breathing human. You’re doing great.
Before we continue, let’s lay out loose meanings of some words:
People Pleaser: “a person who has an emotional need to please others often at the expense of his or her own needs or desires”
(go back to the top of this article to read the characteristics of a people pleaser)
Self-Actualization: “the realization or fulfillment of one's talents and potentialities, especially considered as a drive or need present in everyone.”
Basically, you’re completely kosher with following your own heart, emotions, and ideas. You believe in yourself.
Here are some traits/experiences of those who have self-actualization:
Constant sense of appreciation.
Involves + embodies acceptance.
Realistic about feelings, ideas, dreams (not limiting, they take real steps to approach “difficult” outcomes.)
Problem solving orientation; meeting an obstacle doesn’t affect their emotions
Independent and unafraid to be alone or make decisions that expand them
They honor their private life, and know the benefit of being in solitude
Behold a philosophical perspective on life and able to laugh at the cosmic joke of it all
Knowing they have a specific mission to accomplish in this lifetime that only they can understand
How and why do we become a people pleaser?
This is often a matter of what we experience in our childhood. If you had an emotionally immature parent, or were often giving the shit end of the stick, you are a production of “I must be overly-nice and unapologetically adaptive to everyone else’s needs in order to be accepted and approved of”. Almost the idea of “I’m only allowed to sit at this table with the “big kids” because I mimic each move, thought, and action they take. This makes me like-able. Now, I’m a professional chameleon. Everyone will have to like me because I act just like them!”
Yikes. That got out of control quick, but that’s the reality.
It’s less about being an actual people pleaser, and more about your issues with your own self worth. (You’re hearing this from someone who has to consciously choose to overcome this everyday, so you’re in good company)
Your self worth is a matter of how you feel about yourself, your dreams, your opinions, your mission here on Earth. Why you wake up with the rising of the sun and what determines it a successful day. It’s understanding your belief system, your definition of happiness, success, wealth etc., your self-accountability at the end of the day when you lay your head down to rest.
To hear more about my own experience and story with people pleasing, check out on podcast episode “Overcoming Chronic People Pleasing, Growing Self Actuality, Responsible Self Worth”
Here, I will now list how to shift from a chronic people pleaser to a chronic self-responsible being:
Become Self Aware
Individuality is your key to a new perspective on life
Releasing/cleansing your life from energy vampires
Realizing avoidant tendencies will not solve your problems, they create them
Anxiety is a crippling experience we choose- listen to this ICP episode to learn more on overcoming anxiety
Radical self-acceptance everyday
Here are some ways to practice unlearning chronic people pleasing behavior/tendencies:
Say “No” (start small and go big, use your internal emotions to help)
Listen to what YOU want. This might require asking yourself “How am I feeling right now?” x3/day to get attuned with your emotional body
No more relying on excuses; self-discipline
Spend time alone and prove you are safe being with yourself (start small, like making yourself a meal you’ve always wanted to try)
Practice being assertive with yourself (ex: think of a scenario in your life where you held back what you wanted to say, go to the mirror and reenact the moment exactly how you wanted it to go)
Ask for help, no matter how “silly” it might feel
Be vulnerable and share your honest feelings (start in your journal, a friend, or a support group that focuses on Active Listening)
Forgive yourself for not being able to change the past; you mustn’t dwell on what no longer exists
If there’s a will, there’s a way.
Check out my mentoring opportunities in the “Shop” tab to see how I can assist you in overcoming being a people pleaser.
Thanks for reading the article!
